The memories of childhood are vivid in my mind. I yearn for the carefree days of adolescence, the camaraderie of youth, love, and the liberating sense of freedom. Now, approaching the age of around thirty-four, if life were divided into three acts, this would mark the beginning of the final chapter. Perhaps in another five or ten years, I'll find myself transitioning into the realm of the middle-aged.
In this concluding phase of life, my perspectives on relationships have undergone profound changes. I've bid farewell to beloved uncles, aunts, and, ultimately, my cherished grandparents. The loss of my father has torn away the canopy of affection, love, security, and trust from my life. I grapple with a constant sense of insecurity, fearing the opportunistic gaze of the world around me. Each day unfolds like a recurring nightmare.
The absence of parents heightens one's awareness of their irreplaceable significance. As I reflect on my mother and my family each day, I can't help but wonder how they would cope if I were to depart. The internal pain I bear leads me to contemplate whether they, too, would endure suffering. How would they navigate the harsh realities of the world in my absence?
Yet, whether sooner or later, a day will arrive when I must let go and move forward. It would be regrettable if I couldn't secure the well-being of my family and future generations. Despite my endeavors to shield them, they may encounter challenges. Survival in this world necessitates adaptation and endurance.
Over the past thirty three years, life has been a mosaic of joy and sorrow, correct and misguided decisions. What I've gleaned from life now possesses immeasurable value. The experiences I've amassed transcend quantification. The lessons learned extend beyond the confines of formal education, with much remaining unteachable and experientially unattainable.
The love bestowed upon me in my childhood by my family and the gradual departure of those dearest to me have left me indebted. Repaying the lost love, even if unrequested, proves an insurmountable challenge. I grapple with this daily, and those dear to me witness my struggles.
Entering this phase of life entails a noticeable physical decline, whether attributed to a sedentary lifestyle or the natural effects of aging. It's unclear if it's a consequence of my indolent habits or a universal experience at this age. Regardless, managing responsibilities has become beyond my former capabilities.
And thus, thirty-three years elapse. The golden days of life slip away, leaving behind a trove of nostalgic memories.
#SelfReflection
